Acceptable Losses
by Jupiter 13
Summary: Summary: He paused, and picked at the hem of the hospital jacket. “I… I just wanted you to know, that I’m trying to get your Jou back to you.” SLASH! SJ


Acceptable losses

**Summary: He paused, and picked at the hem of the hospital jacket. "I… I just wanted you to know, that I'm trying to get your Jou back to you." **

**Disclaimer: Don't own… yet **

**Warnings: SLASH!!! (Seto Kaiba/Katsuya Jonouchi) Some swearing, but probably nothing you haven't already heard. Pretty angsty… That's about it… **

It was raining again, and Seto found himself wishing it would stop. He had grown awfully tired of the rain in the last three weeks, much like the rest of the population of Domino City. Was this really what summer should be like? All of the students who had been released from school four weeks ago had longed for a hot, wonderful vacation. They had been thoroughly disappointed.

Even Seto Kaiba, who couldn't care less about the students of Domino, and who in his younger years, had found the rain kind of soothing while it splashed against the window of his office, had started to hate the mere mention of water.

_However_, Seto thought with a sigh, _the weather is, in a way, kind of… fitting._

It made the world turn grey, just like he was feeling inside. The clenching pain in his heart had disappeared. The longing scream of his soul had died away. Left in him was this thick, grey… numbness.

He felt… Seto himself would like to say he felt old, but that wasn't it. He had seen plenty of old people who were more energetic than the average teen.

No, the right word, the word he should use… was spent. He felt spent. Like an old battery that had run out of energy and therefore was useless. Powerless.

Of course, he knew that wasn't true. He was twenty-eight years old and Kaiba Corporations had never been more successful. He was even spending more time with Mokuba these days, if searching every library in Domino while looking for information about brain-damages could be considered "quality time".

Seto knew what was wrong with him. It was his subconscious that had blocked the pain and longing out of his body; locked it away in a small coffin of his mind, and Seto was actually grateful for that; otherwise he would have gone insane a long time ago.

"Mr Kaiba sir, we're here." The chauffeur's voice rang out from the front of the limo. It wasn't until now that Seto realised that the vehicle had stopped.

He sighed and opened the door to step out.

The building in front of him was very familiar. The large, beautiful stone-construction could easily be mistaken for a mansion, if it wasn't for the sign hanging above the large double doors.

_St. Nicholas Institute for mental damage and illnesses _

Seto had found himself hating the name from the moment he heard it. After all, his love wasn't disturbed or sick. He wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for that stupid fight…

_Don't think about it!_

Seto shook his head and straightened. He wasn't here to feel depressed; he was going to see Jou, and that was a good thing.

Seto felt anticipation stir inside him at the thought of seeing Jou, and he strode towards the big double doors with a little more energy than before.

The inside of the hospital was just as pleasant as the outside; white walls, yellow, silken curtains over the large windows, furniture in light wood and the sound of soft music coming from a speaker on the wall.

Yes, it was a beautiful and pleasant place. The best, actually: anything less was not good enough for Jou.

A young woman with chestnut hair, brown eyes and a small pair of glasses was seated casually at a desk in the middle of the entrance hall, reading some sort of magazine. She looked up at the sound of Seto's boot-heels against the floor.

"Morning, Mr Kaiba," she greeted and put the paper down while spinning around in her chair and sitting up properly to see him better. "Come to see Jou today again."

It wasn't a question, so he didn't see any reason to answer. The girl worked Mondays, Tuesdays and weekends; the same days Seto always came to visit. She was an American girl by the name of Deirdre, and she was one of the few common people beside Jou's friends that he could stand.

"Come with me." She started walking towards a pair of double doors at the other side of the room, without even glancing back to see if Seto was following. She knew he would.

"There has been no change, I'm afraid," she told him while walking through the corridor that held all the patients that had mental problems, but were harmless. "He remembers his name and his age, and that's it."

Seto suppressed the urge to sigh tiredly. Why was he even hoping for a change anymore? Six months; that was how long he had waited, and still, nothing happened.

"However," Deirdre continued, casting a glance over her shoulder at Seto as she walked, "he has been asking about you." Seto's step faltered for a moment, before he sped up to get alongside the nurse. He still didn't say anything, but watched her with an intensity in his eyes which told her that he was listening very carefully.

"It seems like he remembers you more and more for each day that passes. He still can't recall you from before the accident, but he has created a new image of you." She paused and smiled amusedly at Seto, "And I think he has started to crush on you, Mr Kaiba."

She had led him through the corridor to the doors that took one out to the garden. St Nicholas had a beautiful garden, full of colourful flowers, trees and bushes; Seto had seen in many times in five months that Jou had been living at the institute. Deirdre, who knew the drill pretty well by now, opened the glass doors and stepped aside to let him walk outside himself.

"He's out there," she said. "Once you've talked to him, please try to make him come inside. I don't want one of my favourite patients to catch a cold."

She turned and walked away, leaving Seto to find Jou by himself. He didn't mind; Deirdre knew how much he appreciated the privacy.

He found Jou by the side of the lake, in the middle of the pouring rain. The boy wasn't doing anything; just standing there, gazing out over the water, as if in deep thought, with his back turned to Seto.

"What are you doing here?" Seto heard his own voice say, but couldn't quite believe it was truly his. It was hoarse and weak, and he realised he hadn't used it in a long time.

Jou turned around to face him, his hair and the white hospital jacket soaked from the rain and sticking to his body like glue. He looked like a drowned cat (or dog) but he was smiling, and his brown eyes were sparkling.

"I love the rain," he said, his smile never fading.

Four words. Those four words was the only thing needed to drive a knife through Seto's heart and have his soul screaming with longing once again. The box in which he'd locked up the pain suddenly exploded and it all came pouring out as if it had never been hidden. He had to blink away tears as images of an eighteen-year-old Jou flashed through his mind.

"_I love the rain."_

"_Figures; I have heard that all mutts love to play in water. This is probably the closest you will ever get to a bath. God knows you need one."_

"_Shut up, Kaiba! Why do you always have to be such an ass?! God, I should have known better than to try and make civilized conversation with you!"_

"_Yes, you should have. Because, you see; to make civilized conversation you have to actually be human. Wagging your tail and barking is not considered civilized."_

"_Gah! You're hopeless! Why did I even try to listen to Yug'?!"_

"_Oh? What did the midget ask his little doggy to do?"_

"_Shut up, Kaiba! Don't call him that! And I'm not a dog! But since you asked, I suppose I should tell you. Yugi encouraged me to try and befriend you, even though I knew it was impossible. He told me to give it a try, and, stupid as I am, I listened to him! Should have known it would be a losing battle."_

"_What are you saying, mutt? That you actually __**want**__to befriend me? What do you take me for? An idiot?"_

"_Hell yeah! And I'm not. A. DOG! Why is it so hard to believe that someone actually wants to be nice to you without any strings attached? The way you're acting, one could think that you're actually afraid of friendship or something!" _

"_I'm not afraid of friendship! Even thought Mazaki __**is **__one of the most annoying people I've ever met."_

"_Don't talk about Anzu like that! And I really think you __**are**__ afraid of getting friends!"_

"_Don't be ridiculous! _

"_Then prove it! Eat lunch with us tomorrow at school. Talk to us! Stop insulting us for one day, and then I'll believe you!"_

"_I don't think so, mutt. Unlike you, I have a reputation to uphold."_

"_So you chicken out, then?"_

"_I do not!"_

"_Prove it!"_

"_Fine! If it makes you and your stupid friends happy then I'll join you for one day. If only to prove how pathetic all of you really are!"_

"_Really?"_

"_Don't make me repeat myself, mutt."_

"_Well… that's __**great**__! And I'm still not a dog!"_

Looking back, Seto realised how easily he had let himself be lured into that bet. It wasn't like him to lose it like that. It was stupid, really. And more than a little embarrassing.

Either way, that had been the beginning of a fragile but promising friendship. True to his word, Seto had spent one day with the "geek squad". He still remembered the shocked looks on Honda's and Otogi's faces when he had sat down beside Jou at their table at lunch.

He had enjoyed himself that day, even though he kept it well hidden. It felt nice to be one in the gang, and the only thing holding him back had been the voice in the back of his head that had told him time and time again that it was only temporary. That they didn't really want him there. That, only the next day, everything would go back to normal.

That's why Seto had been so shocked when Jou had showed up on his doorstep the same night, with a pizza in hand and a big smile on his face. He had simply marched right into the house, not even asking if he was welcome. Seto hadn't gotten any work done that night. Somehow, Jou made him spend the whole night with him, watching television, eating pizza and talking about everything and nothing.

That was the first night Jou spent at Seto's place, but it sure as hell wasn't the last.

"Mr Kaiba?"

Seto blinked out of his thoughts to find a pair if honey brown eyes blinking at him, barely centimetres from his own.

He resisted the urge to bend forward and claim those tempting lips with his own, knowing all too well how freaked out that would make Jou. He could still recall the look on Jou's face when he kissed him in the hospital, right after he'd woken up from his coma. It had broken Seto's heart.

He took a step away, shaking his head a little.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I've got a lot on my mind right now."

"Spaced out on me there for a moment," Jou blinked at him, and then the grin returned. "I'm glad you're back. I've waited for you all week."

Seto felt a string of guilt surge through him. He hadn't been able to visit Jou in a week, leaving the blond all alone on the institute with no one but Deirdre and the doctors to talk to. But Kaiba Corp had really needed him, and he had fallen into another hole of depression after his and Jou's last encounter, which Mokuba had been forced to pull him out of… again.

"I've been… busy," he said at last, avoiding Jou's gaze.

"With that big company of yours?" Jou frowned. "Isn't it hard to be in charge of something that big? I've seen it on TV. It sure as hell doesn't look easy."

"Sometimes it is hard," Seto agreed, "but I've grown quite used to it by now."

"I wish I could see it some time," Jou said, smiling and brushing his wet hair out of his eyes. "That building must be huge on the inside too."

"You _have_ seen it," Seto said. "Countless of times."

Jou faltered. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it again, and lowered his gaze to look at his mud-covered shoes. A heavy silence fell between them-

Seto kicked himself mentally. Why did he say that? Never, _never _mention Jou's old life. That was the only rule he had to follow. Something like that might stress Jou to try and remember faster, and that could actually _worsen_ his condition. But Seto couldn't help it. He was so goddamned tired of waiting and hoping. He wanted Jou back! He wanted Jou back, so he could apologise and get things back to the way they were. He… he couldn't take this anymore.

"We… we should go inside," he said and turned around, heading back to the main building. He knew Jou would follow. For a long moment, they walked in silence, and despite the downpour their steps were slow and hesitant; as if they feared the moment would be lost if they got out of that mesmerizing rain (Jou loved rain). Or maybe, they simply didn't care about the water; their real problems were so much bigger than wet clothes or a cold.

"I'm sorry," Jou said at last.

"For what?" Seto grumbled. He was the one who should be sorry.

"For not being _him_ anymore."

Those words made Seto stop dead in his tracks. He spun around and fixed Jou with an incredulous look.

"I'm trying," Jou continued hurriedly, mistaking Seto's reaction for anger. "Everyday I try to remember who I'm supposed to be… but I can't. I know I'm supposed to have a life, but it's like I'm standing in front of a locked door, and I know that the memories are on the other side, but no matter how much I pick the lock, the door won't open."

He paused, and picked at the hem of the hospital jacket.

"I… I just wanted you to know, that I'm trying to get your Jou back to you."

Seto honestly didn't know what to say. He was crashing inside, and he didn't know what he was supposed to do about it. The pain was sipping through the grey numbness, making it crumble like water would make a bank crumble.

In the end, he just turned and walked away. His steps weren't slow anymore. He was practically running towards the doors, desperate to get away from the person who was tearing at his heart, ripping it to pieces by merely existing, but who couldn't even recall his first name. It wasn't Jou. The boy was so unlike Jou it wasn't even funny, and Seto hated it. He wanted Jou back! The _real _one! Not this cheap imitation!

Seto didn't see it, but Jou stared at his retreating back with a completely crushed expression on his face.

"I'm sorry, Mr Kaiba!" he called for him. When the other man didn't turn, he felt the panic rise. "Mr Kaiba, please! Wait! Mr Kaiba!"

Mr Kaiba.

Always Mr Kaiba. Never Seto. Never any of the names he _wanted_ to hear on those lips. If Jou just called him something else once, even on his dying breath, he would be able to move on. But that title, MR KAIBA, struck him worse than _any_ of the names Jou had called him over the years.

Because it. Simply. Wasn't. JOU!

_Shut up, Moneybags!_

_Go fuck yourself, rich boy!_

_Knock it off, you bastard!_

_Son of a bitch!_

_I'm sorry, Mr Kaiba._

Seto wasn't even aware that he had moved through the doors, down the hall and into the lobby. Deirdre looked up from her magazine with a smile, which quickly disappeared when she spotted Seto.

"Leaving already, Mr Kaiba?"

_**MR KAIBA!!!**_

Seto stopped in front of the desk, and looked down at the young woman. He was dripping on her magazine, he noticed.

"Jou… I believe Jonouchi is in need of your assistance," he stated simply.

"Goddamnit!" She cursed and a second later she was out of her chair and on her way down the corridor. Seto's wet, muddy footprints were still visible on the marble floor.

He turned and calmly walked out the main entrance. In time with every step, he felt the grey numbness from before cover him again. But something had changed. He knew that a small part of him had shattered during his brief encounter with Jou. A part that could never be repaired or replaced, even if Jou came back. He knew that.

It happened every time he visited Jou.

But that was okay. It didn't matter. Sure, it was pain, but it was still a feeling. A proof that he was still alive. That he was still waiting, still had hopes. There were times when he doubted that he even cared about Jou anymore. These encounters showed that he did. So what, if a small voice in his head told him time and time again that that person inside the building, who walked, talked and looked like Jou, whom he courted so carefully, whom caused him so much pain and misery in return, was not really Jou. So what if it left him depressed, lonely and aching afterwards, because, somewhere deep down, he knew that the small voice was right. So what if a small part of him was dying with every meeting.

That, Seto told himself as he closed the limo door, was acceptable losses.

**First story, ****really**** wanna know what you guys think… if there is even someone reading this shit…**

**R&R**


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